


Miss Enterprise

by Doctor McCaduceus (Lemniscate)



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Multi, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-29
Updated: 2009-08-29
Packaged: 2017-10-04 10:11:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemniscate/pseuds/Doctor%20McCaduceus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Star Fleet creates a new feature for all ships in the Fleet. McCoy thinks it's useless, Kirk thinks it's AWESOME.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Miss Enterprise

"It's a feature," Jim insisted.

"Fuckin' useless goddamn feature if ever I saw one," Bones muttered, paging through the file on the PADD where Star Fleet had uploaded the manual for the new program. "It's got a voice, what the hell does it need a hologram for?"

"Replicated matter held together by micro-forcefields and tractor beams," the captain corrected. "It's not just a pretty picture."

"I agree!" Scotty said, ignoring the captain and petting one of the bulkheads. "She's beautiful just as she is, she certainly doesn't need some… some _humanoid_ illusion to tart 'er up. As if a human body could compare to my lovely lass."

"Now wait just a goddamn minute, Mister Scott, the human body—" McCoy began to rant.

"—there is no particular specification that says that the hologram need be 'humanoid,' as you put it," Spock cut in, clearly not at all offended that a Vulcan could be grouped under the vulgar, emotional umbrella of humanoid.

"Oh you know what he means!" McCoy bickered, only to have Kirk snatch the PADD back, and start plugging in specifications, walking off without a word.

"Fascinating," Spock said.

"No it isn't," McCoy contradicted. Spock sighed and said nothing.

The first incident came damn close to crashing the ship.

"Impulse engines at—" Sulu began, only to find his head yanked sideways to look into an instrument. He expected to see McCoy trying to run down some alien plague, but the scanner was held by the captain, scanning over his eyes.

"—sir?!" Sulu said tightly, trying to jerk his head away before the ship crashed into the goddamn asteroid in front of them. There was a beep, Kirk let go, and wandered off, Sulu jerked the ship back on course, and looked back to Spock's raised eyebrow following Kirk off the bridge.

"Commander, with all due respect… what the hell just happened?" Sulu asked.

"It appears that the captain scanned you for some purpose," Spock said, hands behind his back. "You have the con, Mister Sulu."

"Of course Jim's crazy," McCoy sighed irritably, stripping off synthetic gloves and tossing them into the disposal unit. "Crazy like a fox, but yeah, he's crazy."

"I did not ask if the captain's sanity was in question, only if you could provide insight into this peculiar behavior," Spock said.

"And I did," McCoy said. "Crazy as hell."

"That is not—" Spock began to protest. McCoy rolled his eyes and slapped his hand over Spock's mouth.

"He started acting crazier than usual right after he got the memo about that goddamn hologram program," McCoy said patiently. Spock's eyebrow went up as McCoy's thought echoed through his head:

_"Why in the hell are the pretty genius types always so damn dumb?"_

The tone was fond, and as Spock took McCoy's wrist and removed the doctor's hand from his mouth, making a mental note of his own to investigate the doctor's own apparent madness further once he'd worked out the captain's.

Speaking of.

Kirk came striding into Sickbay, staring at the same damn scanner he hadn't let go of for days, and grabbed McCoy's shoulder.

"Oh come on, Jim!" McCoy complained, only to have Jim hook his ankle and unbalance him onto a cot and straddle him. He took hold of McCoy's face, holding open his eye.

_"Captain Kirk!"_ Spock said, voice raised, though certainly he wasn't shocked, let alone offended, that the Captain had interrupted Spock's conversation with Doctor McCoy to assault him (in a rather provocative way, Spock certainly didn't think).

Eventually Kirk dismounted from the doctor and made his exit, snapping a quick scan of the side of Spock's head on his way out. McCoy remained on the cot.

"Doctor, are you injured?" Spock asked, moving closer.

"I see spots, but other than that," McCoy grumbled, propping himself up on his elbows. "Still disagree with my assessment of 'crazy as hell'?"

"I can neither confirm nor deny its factual accuracy as 'as hell' is not a quantifiable measurement, nor is 'crazy' a recognized condition," Spock replied. McCoy flopped back on the cot with an irritable groan. Spock could not help but relent slightly, and stepped over to regard McCoy's stressed face with a tilted head.

"I must, however, confess that I believe the spirit of your assessment is correct."

McCoy opened one eye, his mouth quirking up on the same side.

"Why Spock," he drawled, "you big softie."

Spock was about to protest that his pliability was unchanged when the sickbay communication bank sprang into life.

"Doctor McCoy, I seriously need some combination of you, Spock, and a hypospray on the bridge as fast as possible," Sulu's voice came through.

"We are on our way, Mister Sulu," Spock replied, McCoy swearing as he grabbed a med kit and bolted out the door to the bridge.

"NYET!!!"

"Sir, perhaps if you-"

"Pavel, it's not gonna hurt-" Kirk cooed, making a grab for his ankle, which caused Chekov's right foot to fire a torpedo off to god only knew where.

McCoy and Spock rushed in to see Chekov standing atop his station, Kirk trying to coax him down, Sulu trying to mediate, and Uhura yelling at Kirk and promising Chekov she wouldn't let Kirk hurt or molest him in Russian.

"You're scaring that boy to death! Sir!" she snapped, then turned when she saw McCoy. "He's gone crazy!"

McCoy and Spock were there in two steps, Spock pinching one side of Kirk's neck while McCoy applied a hypospray to the other. Kirk hit the floor like a sack of sand, and McCoy managed to resist the urge to kick him.

"The situation was under control, Doctor," Spock pointed out.

"I know. By me."

"There are no side effects with my method of subduing."

"No potential for long term nerve damage with mine."

Sulu soothed Chekov while Uhura explained that Jim had strode onto the bridge, scanned her legs with the device he'd been toying with for days, then looked at Chekov and said, 'I need your skin.' Spock nodded, picking up the captain and taking him to sickbay, McCoy hot on his heels.

"Seriously, what the fuck, Jim?" McCoy asked when Jim came to in sickbay.

"It's a feature," Jim croaked, gesturing at the device. "She's almost ready."

Spock picked up the device, eyebrow rising like mercury in a vintage thermometer.

"Fascinating," he said, "if superfluous."

"What?" McCoy stood by Spock and looked at the device. "Oh Jesus."

"Captain, this is inappropriate on a variety of levels. It is _highly_ unlikely that this was the intent behind the creation of this... feature," Spock added.

"Doesn't say anywhere that it's not. Christ, it's like having my nagging parents on the damn ship," Jim bitched.

"Well, idiot, you didn't have to traumatize and alienate the entire crew," McCoy said. "I've got full body scans of everyone."

Jim was silent for a long time.

"Shit," he said finally.

"Indeed," Spock confirmed, turning on his heel and heading back to the bridge.

McCoy watched after him for a second, then picked up the device, calling up everything Jim had been programming in. A tiny hologram of a beautiful woman in a Star Fleet uniform (silver, whatever that meant. Blue for science, gold for command, red for operations, silver for the equipment, McCoy guessed).

"She puts the prize back in Enterprise, doesn't she? Gaila's hair, Chekov's skin, Sulu's walk, Uhura's legs, Spock's ears-"

"Oh for-"

"-oh don't lie, I've seen how you look at them, but with Scotty's earlobes, Chapel's hands "

"I get it, you're indiscriminate. Are you _done,_ or do I have to call up Pike and explain that his wunderkind crashed the ship with his dick?" Bones groused.

"Give me the damn thing, Bones, and yeah, I can wrap this up."

McCoy handed over the device, and Kirk addressed the sickbay computer, calling up other aspects of the crew to fill out his vision (which one was Yeoman Rand? And what was so great about his or her lips?) Bones sighed and walked out of sickbay to go check on Chekov and the rest of the traumatized crew.

"Gentlemen, and ladies," Kirk said, beaming proudly as he stood on the bridge, "may I present: Miss Enterprise."

He pressed a button on the device, and the fairy-like lights of a transporter spiraled (cute effect, McCoy thought) and before them materialized a young woman who McCoy had to admit was an absolute knock-out. McCoy had been expecting an awkward Frankenstein's monster esque creation, but he had to hand it to Jim's aesthetics: she was a stunner. Gaila's red curly hair, like smoke made of fire, Chekov's translucent skin, Sulu's easy fighter's stance and pilot's grace, even while just standing still, Uhura's work-of-art legs and arms, Spock's beautiful pointed ears, with Scott's dainty earlobes, Chapel's hands, and—

The girl- the ship- turned around to look at all the people staring at her. McCoy blinked. Were those his eyes?

"Hello gorgeous," Kirk smiled winningly. "I'm—"

The girl scampered from where she stood, shoving the open-armed Jim Kirk aside, up to the upper deck of the bridge.

"What—?" Scotty started to exclaim only to be cut off as Enterprise leapt on him, Uhura's arms around his neck, Uhura's legs around his waist, Chapel's hands in his hair, Rand's lips on his, and god only knew whose tongue fucking his mouth.

"HA!" McCoy barked, Spock's eyebrow going up and the corner of his mouth twitching.

"That's so sweet," Uhura smirked at Jim, whose mouth hung open in a look of abject despair.

Miss Enterprise grabbed Scott and dragged him by the shirt and into the turbolift, fisting his hair and mouthing his neck.

"Oh, I _like_ this ship," Scotty groaned as the doors hissed shut.

There was silence for a moment on the bridge, broken when Kirk finally plunked back in his captain's chair.

"Fuckin' useless goddamn feature if ever I saw one," he grumbled.


End file.
